An honest About Us page
Acme Business Corp was founded in 1971, a fact of which we’re inordinately proud, even though it means nothing to customers. That’s why we mention it up front in every web page, brochure and press release, even when chippy copywriters tell us we shouldn’t.
Although we characterise our development as a relentless march towards ever-greater heights, we’ve actually been going backwards since about 2002. And most of the 1980s were a complete write-off.
Our success is founded on three unchanging principles: profit, imitation and exploitation. We relentlessly pursue the enrichment of our owners by doing much the same as our rivals and paying employees as little as we can without them leaving.
Our strategy, if you can call it that, rests on the three pillars of impulse, reaction and fire-fighting. We maintain a consistent focus on the ultra-short term, formulating and executing plans that address the already-irrelevant issues of yesterday while ignoring and indeed exacerbating the far more pressing problems we face today.
Innovation is something in which we firmly believe while doing almost nothing about. We design products that are pretty much the same as everyone else’s, then get shirty when our marketing agencies can’t cover up their inadequacy. We’re pleased to be regarded as a ‘solutions provider’, even though that description fell apart from overuse more than a decade ago.
Our culture is negative, repressive and stifling. We shoot new ideas on sight and regard their originators with mistrust or downright hostility. We give each and every employee the opportunity to develop their skills or, preferably, get another job and become someone else’s problem.
Our approach to communication is open, forward-thinking and tolerant of mistakes – in our dreams. In reality, we maintain an iron grip on our workforce by rationing key information, encouraging infighting between departments and taking a random if not wilfully perverse approach to pay and promotions.
In recent years, we’ve been enthusiastic adopters of new digital technologies and social media, welcoming these new opportunities to drone on and on about ourselves interminably.
We fully recognise our responsibility to the community, and pay lip service to it with some funny little projects that don’t really cost that much, and are tax-deductible anyway. Our environmental commitment is demonstrated by a PDF somebody made where we we talk about ‘aiming’ to reach some target or other. Oh, and we don’t print out emails.
Everything we do is aimed at furthering our corporate vision: More Of The Same.
Comments (23)
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Hey, come on, not printing emails is a brilliant way to save the environment!
Can’t lie to you Tom, this post hits very, very close to home.
Fantastic work.
I just got fizzy water up my nose. Don’t spring a post like that on people when they’re drinking. Very funny indeed.
This is going out to everybody that I’ve had the pleasure of not having as a client. Thanks.
Can’t be a real about-us. Doesn’t mention ‘leading’ anywhere, not even once.
Brilliant, and insightful, as ever. An agree with Ben – don’t read whilst drinking something fizzy!!!
That’s made my day. ;0)
Yes, ‘About us’ web pages are spin. Often meaning the opposite of what they claim to be. Clever companies use ‘About us’ to sell their product/service.
Love it! The date up front thing is like comfort blanket. No matter where you try to hide it always seems to creep back.
Great post.
Kind of like The Office minus the amusing characters.
Hahaha… Well done, guys.
Hilarious and true reflection of how the organization is .. There Wil be so
Much lesser back bitiing in such a work place where the company itself accepts itself .. Nice one
‘ang on … this is printed in our operations manual …!
A post after my own heart. +1 for belligerent honesty
Definitely deserved its +1 – thank you.
excellent !
Nodding along in agreement all the way. My only addition would be the unique ‘culture’ companies like ACME claim to own.
‘Our founder still takes a hands-on approach…to the interns. We wheel him out every now and again when we think a client might be impressed, but frankly he’s a pain in the neck who usually just comes in every now and again for a board meeting and long lunch, and spends most of his time on the golf course bullshitting about past triumphs.’
Excellent blog post by the way Tom…and true not just of most clients, but their agencies.
This was a great read. I am going to use it for a model for all my clients’ about us pages from now on.
Well said, sir. My favorite line was “We design products that are pretty much the same as everyone else’s, then get shirty when our marketing agencies can’t cover up their inadequacy.”
In my new ebook ‘Writing your own website’, I include a whole section on ‘How NOT to write your about page’. It’s so desperately needed.
P.S. My business was founded in 2001 and provides copywriting solutions to clients of all shapes and sizes throughout the UK and beyond. Passionate about copywriting, I’m big enough to cope, small enough to care.
Forgot to add that I am proud to work in partnership with my clients, go that extra mile, bend over backwards and am only ever as good as my last job.
@Jackie
I’m always going the extra mile too, and then have to find my way back. It’s most frustrating.