An honest About Us page

by Tom Albrighton 3 November 2011 Copywriting, Popular

Acme Business Corp was founded in 1971, a fact of which we’re inordinately proud, even though it means nothing to customers. That’s why we mention it up front in every web page, brochure and press release, even when chippy copywriters tell us we shouldn’t.

Although we characterise our development as a relentless march towards ever-greater heights, we’ve actually been going backwards since about 2002. And most of the 1980s were a complete write-off.

Our success is founded on three unchanging principles: profit, imitation and exploitation. We relentlessly pursue the enrichment of our owners by doing much the same as our rivals and paying employees as little as we can without them leaving.

‘We want a picture of our building on the home page. And something about our history’

Our strategy, if you can call it that, rests on the three pillars of impulse, reaction and fire-fighting. We maintain a consistent focus on the ultra-short term, formulating and executing plans that address the already-irrelevant issues of yesterday while ignoring and indeed exacerbating the far more pressing problems we face today.

Innovation is something in which we firmly believe while doing almost nothing about. We design products that are pretty much the same as everyone else’s, then get shirty when our marketing agencies can’t cover up their inadequacy. We’re pleased to be regarded as a ‘solutions provider’, even though that description fell apart from overuse more than a decade ago.

Our culture is negative, repressive and stifling. We shoot new ideas on sight and regard their originators with mistrust or downright hostility. We give each and every employee the opportunity to develop their skills or, preferably, get another job and become someone else’s problem.

Our approach to communication is open, forward-thinking and tolerant of mistakes – in our dreams. In reality, we maintain an iron grip on our workforce by rationing key information, encouraging infighting between departments and taking a random if not wilfully perverse approach to pay and promotions.

In recent years, we’ve been enthusiastic adopters of new digital technologies and social media, welcoming these new opportunities to drone on and on about ourselves interminably.

We fully recognise our responsibility to the community, and pay lip service to it with some funny little projects that don’t really cost that much, and are tax-deductible anyway. Our environmental commitment is demonstrated by a PDF somebody made where we we talk about ‘aiming’ to reach some target or other. Oh, and we don’t print out emails.

Everything we do is aimed at furthering our corporate vision: More Of The Same.