Inevitably, Christmas involves a certain amount of mirth and merriment. But it’s also an ideal time to catch up on those nagging worries everyone’s talking about. Get ready for the long, cosy, sleepless winter nights with our guide to the very hottest doubts and fears this festive season.
Brexit and its advocates
Nothing takes the edge off the winter holiday like doubt over whether you, or anyone else, will still have a job by January. For extra spice, invite your Brexit-voting friends and family round for a friendly debate over the turkey. No questioning the will of the people though – remember, Brexit means Brexit!
Gift allocation inflation
Back in the early days of austerity, a £20 present limit was just so cool and quirky. Eight years on, it’s starting to look a bit tired. But what will friends and family think if you buck the trend and spend more – trailblazer, spendthrift or just plain bling?
Party fears two
On the adverts, models in sparkly dresses and velvet jackets eye each other seductively over the rims of champagne flutes. In your kitchen, grubby kids plunge their hands into a massive plastic bowl of Wotsits while your mates help themselves to those Peroni you were saving for Die Hard. Welcome to the party, pal!
Global resurgence of fascism
In a trend no-one could have predicted last Christmas, the far right is back like it never went away! And with overt anti-Semitism very much in vogue, you can look forward to feeling uneasy around even the most innocuous Christian imagery, and wishing Santa – or, indeed, baby Jesus himself – didn’t look quite so Aryan on your charity cards.
Profound alienation from popular culture
A nagging sense of being out of touch is the new black, and it just looks better with every year that passes. But with so many celebs, bands and even TV channels that nobody’s heard of, this style looks great on millennials too. Settle down in front of the box with a Bailey’s and ask yourself: who the hell is that?
Impending ecological catastrophe
With hard-won environmental accords set to make a merry bonfire throughout 2017, there’s never been a better time to fret about the state of the planet. Meanwhile, your wretched over-consumption exacerbates the very problems you’re lamenting. It really is a stunning combo.
That smug Facebook update about your Christmas break? Your local burglar copied it into his spreadsheet detailing your every movement about five minutes after you posted it. On the upside, I’ve seen the AirBnB owner’s hidden-camera footage on YouTube, and you look fabulous in the shower.
Insidious government surveillance
Disturbed at the thought of your browsing history being archived indefinitely on zero pretext? Well, look on the bright side. Now the snooper’s charter is law, when you can’t find the link for that coat you liked, you can just ring up and ask GCHQ.
Spiralling festive obesity
This one’s got a bit lost in the shuffle recently, but it’s still a fantastic go-to worry that works at every occasion, no matter how informal. Cast your eye over the mince pies and consider how many inches they’ll add to your already capacious arse-end. Mmm, that feels so alarming – but not so alarming that you won’t eat them.
Finally, don’t forget the super-stylish meta-worry that comes from anxiety itself. You’ll never have this precious time with loved ones again, and you’re wasting it obsessing over some irrelevant nonsense. Now, how bad does that make you feel?